MY EXORCISM EXPERIENCE
By BOB KUHN
First Published on the “RELIGIOUS HUMOR & SATIRE” site of Suite101.com
May 31, 2005
It has been a little more than a year since I first met Dr. Frank N. Candid. My encounter with him had such an emotional impact on my life that I was unable to share it until now. You see, Dr. Candid is an exorcist. Oh, he refers to himself as a Deliverance Counselor, but everyone knows that he is an exorcist. His ability to diagnose spiritual problems has earned him quite a good reputation. This is the story of my personal session with Dr. Candid: the session that has changed my life.
The day of my appointment was a hot and muggy one. Late as usual, I arrived at Dr. Candid’s office. It was located in a strip-mall between an insurance agency and a mortgage company. If not for a small sign engraved with Dr. Candid’s name on the office door, I would never have found it. I went to the door and knocked. A short, stout, balding man in his late fifties answered the door.
“Hello. I am Frank Candid. How may I help you?”
A little surprised by his unassuming appearance, I hesitated, then said, “Dr. Candid, I am here for a nine o’clock appointment. My name is Bob.”
He smiled, fully opened the door and said, “Oh yes. I almost forgot I had one scheduled this morning. Please come in and have a seat. Would you like a cup of coffee?”
“I never turn down coffee. Thanks.”
As Dr. Candid poured the coffee from an electric coffee maker located on a folding table against the wall, I sat down on a cushioned chair across from the only desk in the room. It was a very small office with barely enough space for the desk, two chairs, and several tall, fully stocked bookshelves. Dr. Candid handed me the coffee, sat down behind the desk, picked up his own mug and began the session.
“Well, Bob, what brings you here?”
“Dr. Candid, I had a very disturbing experience with an old friend this past weekend. My wife and I went to a Christian concert at First Baptist Church. While looking for our seats, I bumped into my old friend, Adam Antly. Adam and I joined Main Street Presbyterian Church on the same day over twenty years ago. As members of Main Street we became close friends. Then, ten years ago, Adam decided to become a Presbyterian minister, and he went off to seminary. We lost touch with each other and I hadn’t seen him until I saw him at the concert.
He was very happy to see my wife and me again, and we were equally happy to see him. We talked for quite a while about our kids and our jobs. Adam told us that he was pastor of a small Presbyterian church in a town not too far away. Everything was fine until he asked if we were still members of Main Street Presbyterian. When I told him we left Main Street to join a Methodist church, then left the Methodist church to join a Baptist church, and that we were now members of a non-denominational Christian fellowship, his whole countenance changed. He asked how it was possible to make such drastic changes. He pointed out how different those other denominations were from the Presbyterian denomination. That’s when it happened.”
“I said, ‘Well, I didn’t really consider myself Presbyterian when I was at Main Street, so I guess I didn’t really consider myself Methodist or Baptist when I was at those other churches either.’ At that point, Adam’s appearance changed. His face developed a confused expression, which became more and more distorted. Finally, with a totally deformed and twisted grimace, Adam turned and walked away. It was scary. My wife looked at me and said, ‘He looked possessed. Do you think he is demonized?’ I didn’t know what to tell her. I am very worried about Adam. What do you think Dr. Candid? Do you think Adam is demonized?”
Dr. Candid looked intently at me and said, “No Bob. Adam is not demonized. He is — DENOMINIZED.”
“Denominized? What’s that?”
“Denominized is a very severe condition that prevents a person from being able to distinguish Christian beliefs and relationships from denominational doctrines and affiliations.”
“So, Dr. Candid. Are denominations bad?”
“Not at all, Bob. Denominations are little more than man’s attempt to live the corporate Christian life. But when one allows a denomination to take over his or her entire Christian experience, that person becomes denominized.
Persons who are denominized believe everything their denomination teaches. They believe their denominational practices and methods are the only legitimate ones. They believe their denomination’s interpretation of scripture is the only proper interpretation. And, to make it worse, they think these interpretations are the results of their own search for truth. They do not realize that they have been indoctrinated. They think that they have merely been taught, and that they agree with the teachings.”
“What’s the difference between being taught and being indoctrinated, Doctor?”
“When people are taught, they are given the tools necessary to arrive at a conclusion. When indoctrinated, they are told what to believe, why to believe it, and how to defend it. The people most susceptible to becoming indoctrinated are those filled with pride over doctrinal beliefs. This pride controls them, and can lead them to become denominized.”
“So, Dr. Candid, you are saying that this condition begins with some type of possession? Are the victims possessed?”
“No, Bob. They’re not possessed. They ‘re POMPOUS-ESSED. They are so filled with their own pride and pomposity that they easily become indoctrinated and denominized. You can tell a pompous-essed person by the expressions they use. Terms like ‘My Bible says …’ and ‘God said it, that settles it …’ are typical of pompous-essed persons. They cannot tolerate any disagreement because they equate their opinions with God’s opinions.”
“Well … I think you’ve hit the nail on the head concerning Adam. What is the cure for his condition?”
“You can cast out the spirit that controls him by getting him to admit he could be wrong about something … about anything at all. If you can do that, you’re on your way toward setting him free.”
“Well this is very enlightening Dr. Candid. However, I must tell you that I use the expressions you’ve mentioned, and I am in no danger of becoming denominized. I am a non-denominational person.”
“But Bob, pompous-essed people can also become non-denominized. When pompous-essed people begin to think that all denominations are wrong, they eventually think that everyone is wrong – except, of course, their own small non-denominational group. Then they become non-denominized.
May I ask you a question Bob? Do you think you could be wrong about some of your interpretations of scripture?”
“How could I be wrong? I merely read the Bible and believe what it says. I didn’t invent those things I believe; God said them. After all, MY BIBLE SAYS …”
Then it hit me. I needed deliverance. Dr. Candid placed his hand on my head and said, “Come out of him you spirit of non-denominational pomposity.”
Then, looking directly into my eyes, he said, “Bob, repeat after me. ‘I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I could be wrong.’ Oh, please Bob, just say it and you’ll be free.”
After several hours of intense ministry, I was set free. I can now say, “I could be wrong, but I am probably right.” Dr. Candid says I need some more counseling, but I’ve come a long way.
As far as Adam is concerned, he remains a staunch, adamant, Calvinistic Presbyterian. He refuses to admit that he has a problem, but I at least got him to consider the possibility that he may have been predestined to be denominized. I guess it’s a start.
Well, that’s my exorcism story. I’ll always remember Dr. Frank N. Candid and the session that changed my life.